24 Hours of LeMons announces 2009 Season Champions

In case you missed it, the 2009 LeMons season ground to a halt a few weeks back at Thunderhill after the third running of the Arse-Freeze-A-Palooza (full disclosure -- I work as a Judge for the 24 Hours of LeMons). Filthy 2009 proved to be a pretty hectic season for LeMons, what with ten $500 car races at various mud pits locales around this great country of ours. However, '09 will pale in comparison to the frenzied, property-devaluing idiocy that the 21-race 2010 season is sure to bring. We'd like to apologize to our understanding women-folk and potential home buyers in general in advance.

Still, the 2009 season was filled with all the wonderful elements that make LeMons the fastest growing motorsport in the world: namely, fires, terrible driving, whiny drivers, cheating mechanics and totally excellent BBQ. Oh, and lots of cars blowing the hell apart. You'll learn all about this year's champs after the jump, but we'd just like to point out that the 2009 Deconstructor Championship belongs to Ford. If you don't know, the Deconstructor goes to the manufacturer that builds the cars that blow up the most often.

Why Ford? Mostly for the numerous SHOs that lunched their engines and transmissions all over various LeMons paddocks, coast to coast. To quote LeMons' second banana, Nick Pon, after he strolled through a typical three SHO/three dead cars pit in Louisiana, "Looks like someone tossed a Taurus grenade in here." Just seems to be the Taurus's week for winning awards. OK -- now make the jump.

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THE 24 HOURS OF LEMONS 2009 SEASON CHAMPIONS
It's finally here--the day you've all been waiting for. (You know, besides the day when daily beef jerky home delivery becomes a reality.)

Contrary to outward appearances, we've been paying attention this LeMons season, and have five prestigious awards based on the annual accomplishments of the manufacturers, teams, and drivers that make LeMons into the biggest freakshow in motorsports. So, without further ado....

2009 CONSTRUCTOR CHAMPION: BMW

Much to the chagrin of the Judges, the relentless stream of LeMons E30s actually paid off in the end. Though plenty of Bimmers performed embarrassingly badly in '09 LeMons events, enough scored top-ten finishes to snatch the crown from 2008 champ, Mazda. OK, E30 dudes, you've proved your point: Now go get a Fiat and show you can do it the hard way.

2009 DECONSTRUCTOR CHAMPION: FORD

The Deconstructor Champion is not necessarily the marque that is the most terrible. Rather, it's the brand that is the most spectacularly terrible. While we did have a Mustang win a LeMons race in '09, that feat was more than offset by the typical SHO pit, which always looks like ground zero of a Taurus jihad.

2009 TEAM CHAMPION: THE CALI CAJUNS

Living up to their name, the Cali Cajuns built two cars for west coast and southern events, and scored five top-ten (including four top-five) finishes in the six races they entered. The one hiccup? When they stuttered to 65th place at Goin' For Broken in Reno, driving a lousy Honda Prelude instead of their tried-and-true Saturn SC2.

2009 DRIVER CHAMPIONS: JEFF GRANBERRY AND SCOTT MCLEOD

Though the Cali Cajuns lost some cool points by punting the LeMons Event Manager mid-corner at the Arse-Freeze-Apalooza, we were too lazy to re-think the awards. Plus, these two freaks contributed to all five of those top-ten finishes--no one else even comes close.

2009 24 HOURS OF LEMONS COPPA di BONDO: RUBBER BISCUIT RACING

The Coppa di Bondo is awarded to the team that whinelessly plugs away, race after race, despite incessant mechanical tragedy. After adding a horrible VW Rabbit to their existing (and equally ghastly) Honda CRX, the Texas-based Team Blue Goose was certainly in the running. But after promising us hot girl bartenders from the team captain's restaurant and failing to deliver race after race, we passed the honors on to the Caprice-exploding Rubber Biscuit racing. Spotted at LeMons races from Toledo to Texas, the Biscuits always bring a smile, a little southern applejack, and a Chevy that's guaranteed to launch its con-rods into orbit. Never mind that they could easily finish if only they just bolted in a stock smallblock instead of trying to cheat with some guy's backyard "race motor" -- these guys simply get it.

For 2010, we'll post a running tally of most of the season standings. Tthat way, you can shrug off that 65th-place finish and aim for the long haul. Unless, of course, you're driving a Taurus SHO.