Click above to watch Jon Stewart's Autoerotic Explanation after the jump

A few of us here at Autoblog are avid watchers of the Daily Show with Jon Stewart, and during last night's episode he ran a segment begging the question: why is is Congress being so tough on the Big Three when money was so freely given to the financial industry? It's a good question, and Stewart uses his own experience with a "virginity preserving" AMC Gremlin to illustrate that at least the auto industry makes something useful even if it loses money doing so. OK, so you had to be there, which is why we embedded video of the segment for you after the jump as well as a transcript in case you're not allowed to watch funny internet videos in your cubicle at work.

[Source: Comedy Central]

"Now Congress, I think I know what this whole thing is about. You gave the financial industry $700 billion but you may not give the car industry $35 billion because you don't really know what the finance industry does, do you?...See here's the problem. The auto industry has a product that is tangible and easy to complain about. I should know, my first car - this is true - was an AMC Gremlin...It's a car that existed so that Pinto drivers would have something to **** on...but it got me from here to there and while I was doing it, it preserved my virginity along the way. That's the thing about cars. Even the crappy ones are useful. But you won't bail out the people who make cars. You'll only bail out the people who make car loans. Not even car loans! The people you bailed out make derivitive paper transfers speculating on the future value of enormous groupings of said loans to China. Fine! Detroit's business model is bad. We know they lose $2,000 for every car they sell. Wall Street lost $7 trillion without selling anything! At least when Detroit loses money we get cars. So give them the money! And by the way, if you see my Gremlin, tell her I ended up getting laid when I got a Mustang." - Jon Stewart

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