• Dec 9, 2009
Dartz Whalewatch Penisguard – Click above to view high-res image gallery

Warning: if reading the word "penis" over and over again makes you uncomfortable, you might want to avert your eyes. First of all, the real story here is that Russian super-SUV maker Dartz never wanted to use whale penis skin to cover the seats in their ultra-lux Prombron. They wanted to use whale foreskin. Why? Well, it's been said that Aristotle Onassis had the bar stools on one of his yachts clothed in sperm whale foreskin. Why did Mr. Onassis do that? Sperm whale foreskin is supposedly the softest leather on earth. Now you know.

Anyhow, for some reason Dartz decided not to go with whale foreskin for their Prombron SUVulger, which would have really given new meaning to the phrase "from Russia with love." Oh, yeah! The reason was a massive international save the whales (and their penises) outcry led by none other than Pamela Anderson. And really, what better advocate could whale wienies have than Pam? For all we know she very well might be the world's foremost expert on cetacean penis – ever seen that video from her honeymoon? Anyhow, Dartz backpedaled, cut the whale foreskin (so to speak) and then decided to build a special Volga (above) thanking Pam Anderson for helping to save the whales. And their Johnsons.

We think. Look, at this point we're used to babbling, incoherent ramblings from Dartz. After all, they released the world's second most incomprehensible press release when they announced no whale members would be harmed during the construction of their gaudy, oligarchical SUV. How do we know it's only the second most difficult to make heads or tails of? Because Dartz just released the most incomprehensible press release in the world explaining the thinking behind this here car. And you can read all of its unshaven glory after the jump. One more thing: whale penis.



[Source: James List]



PRESS RELEASE:

WHALE PENIS ON WHEELS RETURNS. IT'S BULLETPROOF.

NOT INSIDE – BUT OUTSIDE.

Thanks Pamela Anderson all world whales now can be sure about their penises. Nobody will cut them to make car seats.

Regarding that Whales make an ocean summit were they make a decision to make WHALE-THANKS-GIVING-CAR.

And they order to make this car to DARTZ – team which shocked whales with seats idea.

Of course this is just joke, but after SAVE the WALES wave DARTZ make a decision to make own SAVE the WALES show car.

This car was made from the same kevlar fiber we use for our car bulletproofing – so we can tell that whale on hood is also bulletproof.

Our guys work two weeks around the clock to make this show car, we stopped some works with our RED DIAMOND (which is already booked) as we are funny people – and sometimes stop to make serious things, making some funny things instead. We are not serious professionals in fish world – all we know that caviar is good with Vodka – but we think this hood whale is a copy of Blue Wale – which have biggest penis on planet Earth.

We will be happy to present this car to Pam Am – she can use it.... like she want's :-) .

But more we dreaming to make a photosession with our Luxury Tank and Pam, under motto

I'D RATHER DRIVE NAKED THAN ON WHALE PENIS :-) )))).......

We can make this session at Top Marques Monaco 2010 or Cannes Festival 2010 were we also are planning to present this car – and of course present Pam WHALEWATCH car after photosession!

- Leonard F. Yankelovich



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    • 1 Second Ago
  • 21 Comments
      • 5 Years Ago
      SUVS are pretty much that aren't they? Pen@s extenders for the insecure?
      • 5 Years Ago
      Is it April already???
      • 5 Years Ago
      This so-called press-release is written by a drunk retard.

      Gee, I though even 6-year-olds know the difference between whales and sharks. I guess, you don't need to possess such profound knowledge to build a car in Russia. You just need some caviar, vodka and weeks of hard work, just because you are such a funny person.
      • 5 Years Ago
      I think I've read my quota of penis for this and half of next year. gah, wacky russians.
      • 5 Years Ago
      The ad in the top right corner of the page is a sausage McMuffin.

      Apparently the adserver picked up on a keyword or something.
      • 5 Years Ago
      Khan!
      • 5 Years Ago
      My name a Borat!
      • 5 Years Ago
      and that is one of the funniest auto press release i've ever read.

      "This car was made from the same kevlar fiber we use for our car bulletproofing – so we can tell that whale on hood is also bulletproof.

      Our guys work two weeks around the clock to make this show car, we stopped some works with our RED DIAMOND (which is already booked) as we are funny people – and sometimes stop to make serious things, making some funny things instead. "

      Epic stuff indeed
      • 5 Years Ago
      I love Russia.
      • 5 Years Ago
      Where do you find sperm whale foreskin cheap? Look in the dumpster behind Temple Beth Shamu Medical Center...
        • 5 Years Ago
        I didn't know sperm whales are Jewish.

        The more you know...
        • 5 Years Ago
        That is by some good margin the most stupid and funny post, comment and response I see in a while... What a combo.





        (the legendary What...The...Hell... comments from some time ago are supreme)
        • 5 Years Ago
        Of course they are. Ever notice they eat fish instead of pork?
      • 5 Years Ago
      Whale penis will always be second to fine Corinthian leather, we all know this.
        • 5 Years Ago
        But imagine him saying "Soft Whale Forskin" in that accent of his. You know you couldn't turn that down.
      • 5 Years Ago
      I don't know why the poster tries to distinguish between penis skin and foreskin. It's all the same. There's no dotted line on a mammal when it's born saying "foreskin, cut here." It's one continuous skin system that just happens to get EXQUISITEY sensitive near the tip. Why any wants to cut off the best part is anyone's guess.
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