Surprise Speed Tournament

Cadillac Escalade vs. Mini Cooper S

0-60: 6.3 seconds || 0-60: 6.2 seconds

1/4: 14.8 @ 95 mph || 1/4: 15.0 @ 95 mph

We've constantly celebrated the spastic Mini Cooper S for offering big performance surprises in a small, efficient package. But an even bigger surprise comes in one of the biggest packages around: the behemoth Cadillac Escalade.

Yes, as speedy as the 2700-pound Cooper S is, the 5700-pound Escalade is just as quick, trailing Mini's diminutive demon by only 0.1 second to 60 mph but beating the Cooper S by 0.2 second to the quarter-mile mark. Indeed, for a big gal, this Caddy can boogie.

Of course, both get their grunt from powerplants that are as antithetical as the wrappers they arrive in. The Cooper S's high-tech, 1.6-liter engine uses a turbocharger to put a "bang" in "four-banger," whereas the Escalade employs a brutal, old-school 403-hp, 6.2-liter V-8 that sucks down more than twice the fuel. Furthermore, if anything remotely resembling a curve turns up in the middle of that quarter-mile run, David will eat Goliath for lunch.

Still, we think even the concept of drag-racing a Cooper S against an Escalade is downright cartoonish fun. Disagree? Check out the video.

Toyota Tundra vs. BMW 328i

0-60: 6.1 seconds || 0-60: 6.1 seconds

1/4: 14.9 @ 94 mph || 1/4: 14.8 @ 95 mph

Talk about two vehicles on opposite ends of the spectrum: the sporty, sassy, prudently packaged, and perennial 10Best Cars-winning BMW 328i and the oversized, overwrought, utilitarian ladder-framed workhorse Toyota Tundra. You know which you'd want to drive in a drag race, right?

Think again, city slicker. If dem country boys were smart enough to order 'emselves a 381-hp, 5.7-liter V-8 turnin' their Tundra's rear wheels, that big-ass Tonka-yota will keep pace with the Bimmer all the way through the quarter-mile, which it hits in fewer than 15 seconds and at which point the 328i is finally starting to pull away. And although aerodynamics ensure that the Bimmer driver will ultimately win this race, it won't have been by enough of a margin for him to outrun the humbling reality that a Texas-size truck stayed with him for a shockingly long time.

Maybe he should step up to the 300-hp 335i before he starts pickin' on pickups again.

Mercedes-Benz E63 AMG Wagon vs. Audi R8

0-60: 4.0 seconds || 0-60: 4.0 seconds

1/4: 12.5 @ 115 mph || 1/4: 12.6 @ 113 mph

Few sports cars at any price have garnered as much attention and accolade as the sexy, saucy, and very fast Audi R8. So imagine one being outgunned by a housewife in, of all things, a station wagon. That's exactly what could happen with this über-fast and über-rare überwagen, the Mercedes-Benz E63 AMG.

Picture it: You're at the wheel of your brand-new R8. A black Benz E-class pulls up, and the driver puts down her phone long enough to toss you a sideways glance over her latte followed by a nod to the horizon. Surely, she jests. An E-class against an R8? This should be easy, you think. As the light turns green, you notice the "6.3" badge on the fender and hear wheelspin. Uh-oh.

You get on it with all four wheels gripping. Your ears are pinned back as you blast to 60 in four seconds flat, neck and neck with the Benz. You hit 100 mph, and what's this? She's pulling away! Then you start to get a view of the sheetmetal aft of the B-pillar: She's in a station wagon! A quarter-mile later, she's still pulling away. At 130 mph, are those her kids laughing in the rear-facing jump seats? Within 23.5 seconds, she's at 150, 1.2 seconds before you. Mercedes' seven-passenger station wagon will outaccelerate the R8 all the way to its 155-mph governor. And now the driver is probably back on her pink Razr to tell her BFF all about it.

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