- Introduction in Desert Storm
- This aggression will not stand! Discounting Panama and top secret counter insurgency ops in other Central American countries, America hadn't been to war since Vietnam. As you might remember, that particular war didn't go so well.
And while most Americans wanted to get this Saddam guy real bad, we were a little trepidatious. But thanks to you, High Mobility Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicle (a.k.a. HMMWV or Humvee), our fears were cast aside and we opened a can of whoop-ass on the Iraqis, forcing them back to Baghdad in just three short weeks. Nicely played.
- Image Credit: photo by DOD
- Arnold Gets One
- Yes, well, if you're going to sell a manly truck to the masses, you're going to need the uber male to get 'er done. Enter Arnold Schwarzenegger, six-time Mr. Olympia winner and king of the Eighties action movie box office. Hey, if you're going to sell a truck all pumped up on steroids, why not pitch it with a man that knows the drill?
The very first civilian Hummer went to the future governor of California. And then he bought several more. This proved to be something of an Achilles Heel during his campaign for governor, as by that point in time, Hummers were known as wasteful, mega-polluters and symbols of obnoxious, conspicuous consumption. No problem - Arnold had one of his converted to run on veggie-diesel.
Funny foot note: Jello Biafra (and the Melvins) recorded an updated version of the Dead Kennedys' classic "California Uber Alles" in 2006 all about Governor Schwarzenegger. Some lines include, "I'll run you over with my Hummer baby, und I vill Terminate you!"
- Image Credit: Photo by Chris Weeks/Liaison
- GM buys Hummer, H2 Arrives
- It may seem absurd in 2009, but back in the day, SUVs were the key to easy money if you were a carmaker. And hey, the bigger, the better. Thanks to our totally insane tax code, if you bought a vehicle weighing more than 6,000 pounds and used it for work (i.e. you're a farmer and need a tractor) you didn't have to pay as much in taxes. Car companies decided to ride that loophole all the way to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Still, H1 Hummers cost well over $100,000 and the margins were low. But, what if you could take a $25,000 truck, pack on 1,500 hundred pounds of extra weight and sell it for $50,000? Meet the H2, a veritable cash cow for GM in the early part of this decade. Emphasis on cow, of course. Er... on cash, too.
- Hummers Vandalized En Masse
- As this decade wore on, people started to take a look around and see a few problems with Hummers. Like why, more often than not, is a three-ton vehicle being driven one-handed by a solo dude with spiky hair, a hockey jersey and a cell phone stuck to his ear? Even more sinister, some people felt the Hummer was a symbol for wretched excess and conspicuous consumption.
Solution? Burn them, Salem witchcraft style. Or just slash the tires, smash the windows and spray paint really mean things on the side. Like this.
- Merchandize It
- Oh yes, Hummer branded products. Hey, it works for Ferrari, Lamborghini, Jeep and Porsche... why not? Well, Hummer Cologne might be one reason.
- Mr. Bay, I'm Ready For My Closeup
- A couple of years ago General Motors made a movie about cars that change into giant computerized piles of scrap. Wait - we mean fighting robots. Oh, and Michael Bay made the movie, not GM. And some of us never saw it because we turned 16 more than a decade ago. A Hummer played Ratchet, medic for the Autobots, or so other people who saw the movie tell us.
- I Humped Your Hummer
- For a lot of us, the good people over at ihumpedyourhummer.com were the only ones to truly make sense of this whole Hummer phenomenon. No, really.