We don’t know, but we have a few ideas
Sure, you might think dear old Santa Claus is just a cheery mall ornament, but look closer. This is a man running the most efficient logistics operation in human history out of the Arctic Circle, with zero venture capital and no delivery windows. It’s a privately held enterprise that sources goods year-round, listens to customer feedback from literally everyone on Earth, and executes a flawless global rollout in a single night. And you’re impressed because Amazon got your socks there by Tuesday? Please.
He also manages a workforce of elves who apparently never unionize, feeds and maintains eight flying reindeer, and manages to land a sleigh on rooftops without LiDAR, radar, cameras, or a single over-the-air software update. Try parallel parking eight antlered, hoofed mammals on black ice without driver assist and see how your confidence holds up. Which raises the question: what does this wildly successful, internationally sanctioned, mythologically bulletproof CEO actually drive? No one knows for sure. But given the résumé, here are a few educated guesses.
Jeep Grand Wagoneer
Given Santa’s advancing years, comfort is no longer optional. The job hasn’t gotten any easier, so ol’ Saint Nick needs real utility and the ability to go anywhere, anytime. Few vehicles manage that trick as convincingly as the 2022 Jeep Grand Wagoneer. Being practical, Santa appreciates the Grand Wagoneer’s Quadra-Drive II system with active low range, a rear electronic limited-slip differential, terrain management, a tractor-like 48:1 crawl ratio, the ability to ford two feet of water, and tow 10,000 pounds.
Jeep
Then there’s the cabin, a high-end lodge on wheels with three rows that can haul a mess of elves. It’s also technologically modern, with 45 inches of video screens, which means Santa can monitor navigation, weather, playlists, and possibly the Naughty List. Most of all, the Grand Wagoneer’s sheer size is reassuring when the weather turns bleak, and the reindeer are playing games. It’s nice to know Santa’s got a sled that doesn’t rely on a glowing nose to get the job done.
Ford F-350 Super Duty
With work that involves eight reindeer consuming industrial quantities of Reindeer Chow and producing the inevitable byproduct, a pickup truck becomes a moral obligation. Under its hood sits a 6.7-liter High Output Power Stroke diesel V8 making 500 horsepower and a cartoonish 1,200 pound-feet of torque, because subtlety is for poetry majors. It even manages an EPA-rated 24 mpg, which is impressive when you consider it tows up to 40,000 pounds. Payload tops out at 6,935 pounds.
Ford
Inside, it’s surprisingly civilized with a massive rear seat and a lockable under-seat storage box, ideal for tools, supplies, or extra reindeer chow. Technology includes a 12-inch touchscreen, 12-inch digital gauge cluster, wireless Apple CarPlay and Android Auto, and a Bang & Olufsen audio system loud enough to drown out reindeer complaints. When the night gets long, and Mrs. Claus starts asking questions, the front seats fold into a bed. Brutally capable and unapologetically large, the F-350 Super Duty is the ideal North Pole workhorse.
Ford
Land Rover Range Rover
This is not transportation; this is a rolling apology for a millennium of chimney-related inconveniences. The air suspension floats along like a diplomatic limo, then jacks itself up when the North Pole turns into an icy obstacle course. Its twin-turbo 4.4-liter V-8 pumps out 606 horsepower paired with a standard four-wheel-drive system that suggests no terrain is too hostile, only insufficiently impressed.
Land Rover
There’s a full suite of driver-assistance tech as well. Mrs. Claus appreciates the leather-free interior for luxury without guilt. She’ll also love the 40.7 cubic feet of cargo space: ample room for gifts, groceries, or Santa’s emotional baggage. The 13.1-inch touchscreen handles wireless Apple CarPlay and Android Auto, and the 1,600-watt Meridian sound system, complete with headrest speakers and active noise cancellation, ensures she can actually hear what Santa is asking before deciding to ignore him in perfect, high-fidelity silence.
Mercedes-Maybach S-680
This is what Santa drives when he’s reminding the world that immortality has its perks. This is not merely a car. It’s an appropriate executive shuttle. The Maybach treatment cranks the already stately S-Class up to 11, while thoughtfully keeping the convenience features that matter to older drivers. There’s Night View Assist Plus, which scans the darkness to make sure Rudolph’s distant cousins don’t become hood ornaments. The cabin can be personalized through the Manufaktur program with massaging, reclining seats, a beverage cooler, and electrically operated doors, because reaching for a handle is how injuries happen.
Power comes from a 6.0-liter twin-turbo V-12 that launches this vast German land yacht to 60 mph in 4.4 seconds, roughly the acceleration of a guilty conscience fleeing consequences. Then there’s the monk-level silence that ensures every trip feels ceremonial. Tech-wise, Santa gets a 12.3-inch digital gauge cluster, a 12.8-inch touchscreen, wireless Apple CarPlay and Android Auto, six USB-C ports for charging elves’ devices, and a 30-speaker Burmester audio system capable of making Bing Crosby sound like he’s sitting on your lap. This little indulgence seems not just reasonable, but morally necessary.
Mercedes-Benz
Final thoughts
The stockings are stuffed, the cookies are gone, and even Santa needs time for a little well-earned recreation. Picture Santa in Palm Springs, red suit swapped for linen, zipping past retirees in a Maserati GranCabrio. Sculpted by Italians, it’s obvious that they believe that while aerodynamics are important, seduction is mandatory. It rides smoothly enough to forgive bad decisions, handles crisply enough to encourage new ones, and wraps its occupants in an opulent cabin that whispers. Yes, this is irresponsible, but in a very refined way. It’s a modern classic for the holidays’ after-party: less milk and cookies, more martini and mischief. Ho ho ho, indeed.
About the author
Larry Printz
Contributing Writer, Autoblog