"Herd" around the auto industry
A satirical look at automotive news - February 2016.
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Alfa Romeo - Alfa is pioneering the future of driverless sport motoring with the upcoming 4C Foresee edition. The 4C Foresee will reportedly be able to predict what cars around you are going to do before they actually do them.
Aston Martin - Aston is rolling out a special "Aston Martin Music" edition DB9, which will feature external speakers that only blast the aforementioned hit song by Rick Ross.
BMW - BMW management, concerned about running out of numbers to use in the naming of niche vehicles, will start to use decimal points in the naming scheme starting with the 2017 BMW 3.42 xDrive 342 turbo M Sport edition cross cabriolet coupe sedan.
Dodge - Dodge will be augmenting its popular Hellcat line with new Hellraiser editions. Opening the glove box will reportedly unseal a portal through which gruesome nail headed monsters will appear.
Ford - After seeing great success with its EcoBoost engines, Ford has decided to launch a new line of EgoBoost models. Although these EgoBoost models will not have any performance or fuel enhancing features, they will feature a "mirror mirror" on the windshield which will tell the driver how they are the fairest of them all.
Honda - Honda's mail department has gotten so confused due to their multiple Takata airbag recall campaigns that they are having trouble keeping straight which customers to contact. To simplify matters Honda will be sending a letter to each and every American Honda owner stating, "we don't know if there is something wrong with your airbags, but there probably is, so bring it in for us to fix please."
Lexus - Having determined that the corporate spindle grille has been well received, Lexus has asked its designers to raid the sewing kit for further design inspiration.
Porsche - Porsche has listened to its clients and will be adding a new minivan to the lineup for 2017. The 2017 Cajennavan is reported to feature seating for eight, room for several sheets of plywood, and a 562-horsepower air-cooled rear-mounted turbocharged flat-6 engine.
Smart - Smart has purchased the rights to sell the now defunct Scion iQ starting in 2017. "It just makes sense," said an anonymous Smart executive.
Subaru - Subaru reported record sales for the 2015 calendar year. In related news experts say that now is the time to invest in granola futures.
Volvo - Volvo will begin a cross promotion with Ikea. For a slight discount your new Volvo can be flat packed for you to assemble at home with a hex wrench. Swedish meatball editions will be forthcoming as part of the ongoing agreement.
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