Knight Rider Liveblog
Season 1, Episode 17
"I Love the Knight Life"
March 4, 2009
8:00 PM Eastern

8:00: Okay. KITT driving. Hottie Scientist develops super steroid or something. Sarah calls, shackled to her desk at the FoS. Oh no, the people using this drug become "a living weapon." Is Steven Seagal the guest star? KITT and Mike EMP Hottie Scientist's Volvo. Mike offers her a ride, sports awesome J.C. Penny suit. Hottie Scientist asks about KITT's dashboard snowglobe. Mike says it's GPS. I say it sucks.

8:04: Blather at the FoS. Meanwhile, at Steriod HQ, the bad guys are coming, Special Ops-style. Mike takes down two. Then he takes an M16 butt to the noggin. And then the Guy Scientist takes a chest full of lead. Mike assists him, but there's no cure for dead. Good guys arrive. Blood-covered Mike has some explaining to do, and we're 53 minutes away from salvation.

Commercials

8:09: The Army is not buying Mike's story. Billy shows in his Army Halloween costume to get Mike out of this mess. Then KITT calls, impersonating a general. Because he just happened to have his voice handy. Mike leaves. Billy has to go download some file. KITT can't download said file, you see, because that's what the dumb plot calls for at this moment.

8:12: At the Fortress of Suck, Sarah and Zoe ponder how to solve this scintillating mystery. Zoe has dog hearing and knew the late Alex Torres's password BY THE SOUND OF THE KEYSTROKES. Billy meets up with the Hottie Scientist to pump her for information.

8:14: If only Hottie Scientist hadn't said anything, Guy Scientist would be alive today. The North Koreans are somehow involved. They want the Super Soldier Serum so that they can create Captain Pyongyang. Mike shows up at some nightclub at like 11 in the morning, where he J-turns into a parking spot in front of the Spyker from Episode 1.

8:16: Commence gratuitous bikini party. Mike doesn't like the music, so KITT's magic power accesses the DJ booth and plays "I Love the Night Life." Oh, and Billy sucks. KITT calls every phone in the place so he can listen to everyone's voicemail. He finds the needed message in like 4 seconds. Mike heads for the VIP area with Hottie Bad Girl. Bad guys waiting, with stun gun. Mike goes down. Now we're interrogating Mike. Jack Bauer does this better. Mike name-drops FLAG. Baddie not impressed . "Kill him." 41 minutes to go...

Commercials

8:23: Now Mike is undergoing some fraternity hazing ritual. They're getting him sloshed so they can fake a car crash. Unnamed Thug goes to KITT, enters, and is immediately tased by Force lightning. The Dark Side is strong in KITT. Mike throws Bad Hottie in the trunk, as Implant Bikini Onlookers watch in disbelief. Mike is supposedly hammered now, from the hazing torture. This is like an episode of the original 90210, where people drink for 5 minutes and then get wasted.

8:26: We're back at the Fos. Mike still slurring words. KITT bitching that Mike spilled ketchup in the car. Billy fills in the unimportant plot details. Bad Hottie pounds on the trunk (still locked inside). Cut to: her, tied to chair, getting interrogated by KITT. He scans her and knows her entire life story and all her cellphone data. Calls the bad guy, imitating her voice. (That's obviously KITT's talent tonight.) Sets up a meeting.

8:30: Mike is hung over, staking out the bad guys and their Ford products. Money changes hands, as evil Koreans menace with MP5s. Here comes KITT. Bulletproof. Tire squeals on dirt road. Nice. Bad guy on the run. He jabs himself with the serum and becomes Bruce Banner. 28 minutes to go.

Commercials

8:36: Baddie turning into the Hulk. Super strength. No pain. So Mike stands around instead of running for his life. KITT arrives. Mike is injured. Hulk mad. Smash KITT. Sonic blast. KITT bails, returns Mike to FoS. Mike is mad that Sarah overrode his authority. Mike explains that he wears the pants in this family. But not a shirt.

8:39: Billy plays scientist while Zoe zooms by on her roller skates. Billy wishes his name was Dirk Diggler right about now. KITT running a satellite search for Hulk. Can't find (again,conveniently). Mike levels with KITT. No secret pacts. No lies. No season 2." KITT: "Deal, Michael."

8:41: Pretend Soldier Billy arrives to pick up Hottie Scientist. She spills her guts about the illegal test program. Animal test subjects' endocrine systems were "out of control." Gary Busey can rip them out. G.I. Billy gabs on the phone with Sarah while Hulk arrives in a black van (you know the make and model already, come on) and kidnaps Hottie Scientist.

Commericals

8:47: At the FoS, Mike gets a super dog whistle. Calls Hulk, who is jonesing for more Super Soldier Serum. Offers to trade more stuff for Hottie Scientist. We meet at a junkyard for the final showdown. Mike has Bad Hottie with him. KITT's sonic cannon is ready. Uh, how about the array of machine guns that nanotechnologically appear when the writers feel it necessary?

8:50: Here goes the prisoner exchange. Hulk attacks. Sonic cannon. Bad Hottie threatens to whack Hottie Scientist. KITT backs off. Hulk ready to junk KITT with the Crane of Death. A very, very slow Crane of Death. One last commercial break. 8 minutes to go.

Commercials

8:55: Concern at the FoS. Billy arrives, against orders, to save the day. Billy holds shovel. KITT BOUNCES LASER OFF IT. Mayhem ensues. Finally, KITT uses the sonic cannon. Hulk disabled. Mike gets up amongst the carcasses of dead Taurii. Billy comes clean with Hottie Scientist. She finds him charming. Mike and KITT with the dumb banter.

8:58: FoS. Sarah gets sentimental about closing the first, and probably last, case for the new FLAG. She drops "One man can make a difference" line. KITT comes home to mother, and we exit Knight Rider for the last time to the usual generic chick music. Hoff would spin in his grave, except he's not dead.

Season 1 Over.

Series Over. Probably.

It's been fun, people. Thanks for hangin'.

So, am I wrong? Weigh in.