Tonight on Knight Rider, the writers' wheel of movie plots to rip off lands on Fight Club. In "Fight Knight," Tiki Barber guest stars as a dead drill sergeant, there's no soap made from human fat, and you won't need to worry about subliminal porn images being edited in -- just promos for Heroes and Chuck.

The official synopsis, via Knight Rider Online:

"Fight Knight"

DOWN FOR THE COUNT--Mike's old Army friend recruits his help to investigate the suspicious death of a tough-as-nails drill sergeant Jack Burber. Mike learns that the drill sergeant was participating in an underground fight club for military veterans for extra money. In order to find out what really happened, Mike has to infiltrate the fight club and try not to get himself killed in the ring.

The first rule of Fight Club is not to cheaply imitate Fight Club. NBC didn't get the memo. See you at 8.


Knight Rider Liveblog
Season 1, Episode 14
"Fight Knight"
February 4, 2009
8:00 PM Eastern

7:58:
And, I just shut off Wake Forest vs. Miami for this...

8:00:
Here we go. KITT. CO plates. Blower whine. Tiki yelling on the HUD. Meanest drill sergeant west of the Mississippi who also doesn't have a Super Bowl ring. Tiki is dead. Sarah is wearing an Ashleigh Banfield Halloween costume.

8:02:
Mike getting the skinny from this week's random pretty chick. KITT gives us a primer on post-traumatic stress disorder. Mike needs to go examine the body. Here comes CSI: KR. Heh. Mike is not body #1's kid. Mike unzips Dead Tiki's body bag. KITT is going to guide Mike through the examination. Missed opportunity by NBC here. Could given KITT Quincy's voice.

8:06: Clah, blah, blah, examination. Tiki's eyes have dots in them. MURDER. Here comes the starting.

Theme Music. The one thing that's still cool.

8:10: We're back. Sarah has problems with the lying. She sucks at handling a pseudo private detective. Sheriff is not pleased that Mike interfered with the investigation. Makes Mike assume the position. KITT to the rescue with a fake bank robbery call. KITT's magic scanner can read the matchbook in Tiki's personal effects. We drive to the bar where the secret fight club is. This looks like the bar from the first regular season episode.

8:14: Mike and the Constance the bartender with the chit-chat. And the chit-chat is NOT compelling television. Test means mike has to kick the crap out of some meathead. Secret handshake out of the way, we go downstairs, to the cleanest-looking illegal fighting operation ever. All these NBC sets look sterile.

8:17: Tyler Durden is nowhere to be seen. Mike, genius, thinks this place might have to do with how Dead Tiki Barber became Dead Tiki Barber. You don't say.

Commercials

8:21: If Dead Tiki Barber were alive, he could do sideline reporting from Constance the Bartender's Secret Fight Club. Billy giving us the skinny on the fight club. We know how it works, Billy. The Uber Champion of Imitation Fight Club is some dude named Monster Molina. Dead Tiki Barber's Chick Friend wants to go along. She owes Tiki Muerte her LIFE! Sob story ensues.

8:24: KITT locks out Dead Tiki Friend. Sheriff Fatboy watches with disapproval. KITT needs to be closer for his sensors to work. More crap. When he needs to, he can access a traffic cam in Vancouver. Conveniently, he has no "hooptie" mode.

8:26: Fight Club Honcho Guy says he's a former SEAL. Mike plays janitor and asks questions. Mike broaches the topic of Dead Tiki. SEAL guy chants 'FIGHT NIGHT" like a wretched tool. Back in the Fortress of Suck, they know SEAL's not really a SEAL, and then browbeat us about what rotten people Fake SEAl and Constance the Bartender are. Constance apparently ran a sweatshop that employed big-haired extras who can roll their eyes into the backs of their heads.

8:29: Fight Night is on. Surprisingly, there are non-Fords in the parking lot. Mike searches for evidence he can use to clear Dead Tiki's name. naturally, he finds it, and every tape is clearly labeled. He gets caught, but is saved by the bell. His turn to fight.

8:31: Mike pretends like he needs a Pepto, but he's screwed because it's time for mixed doubles! He and Dead Tiki's Chick Friend (she wormed her way in) have to take on another duo in the cage. since there's 30 min left, chances are, they won't die.

Commercials

8:36: Fake SEAL is no Michael Buffer. Throws! Karate! Cheering extras! Meanwhile, at the FoS, Dead Tiki Flashback! Real fighting continues with the Foxy Boxing. KITT's also a trainer, telling Mike how to move. Mike and Tiki Friend Chick manage to have a pithy conversation in the middle of all this. Sarah tells Mike that Monster killed Tiki. Tiki Friend attacks Monster. This is a mismatch. Mike elbows the other chck in the back. Taps out. KITT has Dr. McCoy's medical scanner, can tell Tiki Friend has collapsed lung.

8:39: KITT jets with Tiki Friend. Bad guys have guns. More fighting. Mike books through the woods. KITT the Hospital Taxi dumps off Tiki Friend at the Emergency Room. Fake SEAL spots her from his Wrangler. He clearly has plans for her. More chasing through the woods with Mike.

Commercials

8:45: Everyone looks bored at the FoS. I wonder why. Suddenly, it's daylight. Mike in the woods. Dodging bullets now. Dork who runs the control room is taping it. Mike takes him out. Then his friend with the gun. Magic KITTphone has no signal. KITT to the rescue -- F-150 mode as he hits the trail. Mike's crappy phone finally gets a signal. KITT asks location. Find his phone, dummy.

8:49: Fortress of Suck: Sarah the forensic accountant figures out that Fake SEAL is betting on Monster. And the Evil Sheriff Fatboy is in on it. KITT arrives in truck mode. So does Sheriff Fatboy, who draws on Mike. He wants the tape. Fattu shoots at KITT, who pins him against his cruiser. Mike knocks him out with one punch...through the passenger window. We linger on the F-150 badge just long enoug to ensure maximum placement. Mike to Fake SEAL: "I'm coming for you." Sigh. 8 minutes of this to go.

Commercials

8:55: Of course, the State Police and FBI won't be there in time. Mike enters with shotgun. bar deserted. Fake SEAL and Constance the Bartender have Tiki's Chick Friend hostage. Guns. Pointing. KITT beams the Tiki Death Tape, showing that Fake SEAL killed Tiki. Mike shotgun-whips people. Fake SEAL runs into KITT outside. KITT beams tape of angry Dead Tiki on his hood. Hokey "This one's for the Sarge!" moment. Cops, cuffs, hugs with Dead Tiki Friend. Mike drives away from the all-Ford police presence. Humiliating closing moment as KITT plays drill instructor. Put a sock in it, Val.

NEXT WEEK: Some smart kid gets kidnapped, and the show pimps the F-150 mode some more. 3 episodes left. See ya then.