Welcome, my friends! Tonight we gather to watch the train wreck that is NBC's Knight Rider, now a weekly series in the wake of the catastrophically bad telemovie that aired back in February. If you've blotted the memory of that debacle out of your brain, feel free to check out the original liveblog for a refresher while you wait for tonight's show to start.
Here's the blurb on tonight's episode, according to my Tivo:
"A Knight In Shining Armor" - A simple package delivery becomes more complicated than it seems when Mike and KITT learn the package is actually a man with top-secret code decryption built into his DNA.
Sounds thrilling, no? The fun begins after the jump at 8PM Eastern.
Knight Rider Liveblog
Season 1, Episode 1
"A Knight In Shining Armor"
September 24, 2008
All times are Eastern.
Episode available for viewing on NBC's website
8:00: Here we go. We're at the "Foreign Consulate." Mike Tracer is wearing a James Bond costume.
8:03: Sarah is in trouble already. Genius.
8:04: KITT joins the fun. Only there's nothing fun about this so far. KITT knows everything with his magic technology.
8:04: Sarah is about to get tortured by some guy who graduated head of his class at the Wooden Actors Studio.
8:05: KITT goes into new attack mode, showing us what the bastard child of SEMA and Hot Import Nights looks like.
8:06: Mike saves Sarah. KITT is racing to the rescue, underbody neon ablaze.
8:07: KITT turns into an F-150. The bad guys shoot like my mother. KITT is a Mustang again.
8:08: A Cobra (helicopter) shoots a missile at our fearless heroes. It is the world's slowest missile.
8:09: Impact. Something tells me no one dies, as we now go to the starting. At least the da-dum da-dum-da-dum is still cool
8:10: Commercial break. This is living down to all my expectations.
8:11: We're back. Everyone is thrilled with KITT's awesomeness. Super napalm deemed "so not good" by some tool in the command center.
8:12: Some blather about uploading files. KITT is still on fire. Iceman is lecturing Graiman that he can't divert power.
8:13: Sarah in undies. Mike disrobing now, too. KITT tells Mike to watch the window controls. Hey genius, you're the talking robot car. Disable them.
8:14: Apparently, increasing speed interrupts KITT's network connection. He sucks.
8:15: They're bringing KITT in hot! Michael and Sarah have lost consciousness. So, by now, have some viewers, I'd have to guess.
8:16: Fire's out, everyone but me is concerned that Mike and Sarah might die.
8:17: Commercial. Make that...Ford commercial #1.
8:20: Only 40 minutes left!
8:21: We're back. Everyone is yelling at nerd Billy. Zoe: "That was awesome" No, not awesome.
8:22: Billy and Zoe are arguing. The audience is fleeing...
8:23: Now, Mike and Carrie are arguing. Mike is being scolded for losing the package. Carrie has some secret issue with Mike that we'll learn in the second half-hour. More Sarah undressed, which is, so far, the only redeeming quality of the show.
8:25: KITT is on some turntable with lasers now. Mike gets in KITT, drives onto the tarmac in Washington, D.C. from the plane. Funny, I didn't know D.C. had a desert airport.
8:27: KITT and Mike try to cram as much plot and exposition into one conversation as possible.
8:28: Mike finds the package. IT'S A MAN! (like Tivo said)
8:29: Some Latina babe arrives in a Spyker. Kidnaps "the package."
8:30: Commercial for "Eagle Eye" is better than the entire first half-hour of Knight Rider. Also, Olive Garden commercial is better than Knight Rider, too.
8:33: NBC clumsily explains Spykerchick's use of "Papito"
8:35: This Spyker must have the motor from the pilot's Ford Edge, because KITT is having trouble catching up.
8:36: Discuss: Jim Rockford Firebird oversteer is cooler than new KITT GT500 oversteer.
8:37: Mike and Sarah have a complex past. Mike can't remember his past.
8:38: KITT is playing shrink. Package Man is bald. Spykerchick cuts off his thumb, pushes him out of the car. We go to break. My eyes feel like that guy's thumb right about now.
8:41: Only 19 minutes to go!
8:44: Mike gets Package Man. He has to get his thumb back at all costs.
8:44: Dr. KITT fixes the dude's thumb, and doesn't even ask for an insurance card.
8:45: Package Man's DNA is the "ultimate cypher." Presumably it unlocks the secret of how NBC approved this crap.
8:47: KITT in JDM attack mode again. Mike on foot chasing Spykerchick on the subway now.
8:48: Mike catches Spykerchick. She says, "Dios mio" to remind us she's Latina.
8:49: Carrie shows up, shoots Mike. Don't tease me, NBC....
8:50: Commercial break. So, Mike now recovered the package, and he has memory loss about something in Beirut. I think we're supposed to care.
8:52: Ad for Sunday Night Football reminds us that it's not ALL bad at NBC.
8:53: Somewhere over the U.S., Mike is alive, but he's "dead" -- you know, like the original Michael Knight. Carrie shooting him was a red herring.
8:53: More stock footage of the airport. KITT and mike return to base. Mike's past haunts him, as his present haunts us.
8:55: They're shooting hoops at HQ. Apparently, Knight Industries is run out of one of the Real World houses.
8:56: Michael needs a new name. Dumb porn jokes about the the Hoff's old Michael Long name...this is unbelievably bad. We see where this is all going...
8:57: KITT spying on the conversations about Mike's mysterious past. Mike and Sarah having a heart-to-heart. He wants to grab a beer. I want to grab, like, ten.
8:59: "I'm Michael Knight."
9:00: NBC takes us out with lame chick music.
NEXT WEEK: Mike and KITT take on street racers!
THE WEEK AFTER THAT: Cancellation?
I'll be here again next Wednesday, so feel free to join me. My official over/under for the number of episodes before this crapfest gets the axe is 5. Have a good night, folks.