A new report from The Onion details a new Department Of Transportation initiative to give reckless drivers their own space on highways, thus freeing them from the drudgery of actually driving. The new lanes will be of a special bowl design to keep cars on the right track while obviating the need for things like steering. Once the national highway system is fully upgraded with these lanes, that impatient meathead with the misaimed headlight won't have to ride your bumper in his pickup anymore. He'll have his own road space, complete with strategically stationed full-service hearses, ramps, padded embankments, and heavy guardrails to keep all those other idiots away from your close-following road compatriot, who's obviously a much more skillful driver.

For those of you that may not be aware: The Onion is satire!