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Well, as Dan Roth just put it in an IM that popped onto my screen, someone has to take one for the team, and that someone, my friends, is me. I'll be your host this evening as I provide live-ish commentary during the airing of the new Knight Rider telemovie. Note that I'm watching in the Eastern time zone, so you West Coast types, be advised: this contains spoilers. They'll all be after the jump, though, so you should be safe until you click through. To punish prepare myself for this epic (in NBC's opinion, anyway) television event, I bought Hoff-infused Knight Rider Season 1 on DVD. I watched the pilot episode for the first time in eons and came to the conclusion that what I thought was cool at age 10 was not necessarily...you know...good. As for this new edition, well, let's just say there's cause for concern.

And with that, let's continue after the jump.


February 17, 2008
Knight Rider on NBC
All times are Eastern

8:56: Watching the end of American Gladiators, which just ran a long KR promo. My friend Vin, seated to my left, comes out with, "There's no way this can be good." We agree that the car is cool, at least. Stand by for the real deal.

9:00: Here we go.

9:01: Note to white-haired dude, random guys showing up at night with a truck should never be invited in.

9:02: Death toll: 1 Roomba

9:03: I wish someone would shoot the nerdy bad guy already.

9:04: Old KITT! I feel no nostalgia.

9:05: New KITT says," Adios MFers!" Well, not really, but he's out.

9:06: New KITT goes like a land speed record car, apparently. Metallized theme not so good.

9:08: Mike has two chicks in bed. My friend just screamed, "RIDICULOUS!" at the TV. Oh, and Deanna Russo's character has glasses, therefore, she is a brilliant scientist.

9:10: KITT sounds like Val Kilmer. Oh, wait...

9:11: KITT, inaddition to being fast and Mustangy, is also omniscient, telling Sarah that this security guard could be "one of them."

Commercial break #1: This is not very good so far. Shocker, Mustang commercial leads the break.

So, we have Mike Traceur in a threesome, a lesbian FBI agent, and wooden acting. Is this Knight Rider or a 70s porno movie?

9:16: We're back, unfortunately.

9:18: Can someone tell me why KITT runs from the bad guys instead of running them over? He is indestructable.

9:21: Apparently, the bad guys have the world's fastest Ford Edge, as they're all over KITT's ass.

9:22: KITT safely navigates through Ford and Ford-owned vehicle traffic as horrible dialogue takes place in his cockpit. It occurs to me that if the show ended right now, I would be completely okay with it.

Commercial break #2: Take a breather everyone. Or maybe change the channel.

9:27: Deanna Russo will not be winning an Emmy, and KITT just turned into a regular Mustang GT.

9:30: Man, everyone in the FBI looks like an actor. When did the bad guys get themselves a Huey? Bad guys dumb. They are fooled by magic transforming KITT.

9:31: We're driving to see Mike Traceur. KITT transforms into winged battle mode so he can go 200 mph and find Mike, who is 600 miles away. Contrary to popular belief, cheeseball ground effects DO make you faster.

Commercial break #3: Oh look, a Focus commercial. It's still ugly.

9:36: KITT's voice thingy turns blue, and he gets all Dr. Phil w/ Sarah. Complete with soft music. Who greenlighted this?

9:37: KITT says, "That does...suck." Yes KITT, much like this program.

9:39: KITT arrives in Vegas. Finds Mike Traceur in a casino, because there is no system he can't tap into. So much for civil liberties!

9:41: Mike Traceur plays poker with Phil "The Unabomber" Laak. Goes all in. Beats him. What a bunch of crap. Sarah arrives, says something that I think is code for, "Even though I'm hot, I have no boyfriend, which will make it easier for us to hook up in hour 2."

Commercial Break #4: Bionic Woman is Goodfellas compared to this.

9:46: I'm surprised NBC hasn't worked in a Las Vegas (the Tom Selleck show) tie-in for this scene.

9:47: Bad guy fights Mike Traceur. Mike wins, continues angry banter with KITT. You can cut the sexual tension between those two with a knife, man...

9:50: I spoke too soon. It IS the Montecito from Las Vegas!

Commercial break #5: SYNC commercial with Traceur driving a Focus. KITT calls on the Bluetooth. Best line: "I've got a date tonight, KITT. I didn't want you tagging along." Yeah dude, because showing up in a Focus is way cooler than rolling up in a KR. There's still an hour of this to go?

9:55: Flashback. We see Graiman and his doppelganger plan his escape from the opening attack.

9:57: Blackriver = Blackwater. There's NBC trying to make KR all current events topical. Leave that stuff to Russert. This is about magic talking cars.

9:58: Sarah, "I'm not running from this." Yes, but viewers are running for their remotes. I'm glad I'm getting paid for this.

9:59: The Sheriff's dirty. Shocker. Not.

10:00: Too much people talking. My friend notes that this Mike guy kinda looks like Tom Brady. Brady is probably a better actor.

10:02: The evil congressman from X-Men, I mean Graiman, does a B&E. Goes to sit a spell, and someone racks a shotgun and puts it to his head. Rough night for this dude. And the viewers.

Commercial break #6: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

10:07: False alarm! He knows the gun-toter. For the record, the old Knight Rider OWNS this crap, and that's saying a lot.

10:08: Mike reconciling with Sarah. He totally wishes he had another chick with them...

10:10: VINTAGE RANCHERO! Jalopnik will be pleased.

10:11: Sarah, in one sentence, hammers the hydrogen fuel argument. So, The KITT GT500KR goes 200 mph AND gets 167 mpg? AWESOME. Ford Australia must've built him.

10:13: The bad guys have an endless supply of different black helicopters. Oh, and KITT asked Mike if he was gay. Again with the man-car sexual tension.

Commercial break #7: Another KITT/Mike/Focus SYNC commercial. "It's a nice car." Someone kill me.

10:18: We're back. I'm waiting for Graiman to turn into Mystique (if you didn't see X-Men, you won't get that. Sorry.). Then Mike can have the 3-way he so obviously yearns for.

10:24: Can someone explain to me how these tools on the Bad Guy team are tracking KITT? Fake suspense as Mike and a bad guy both go to open doors in a motel. NBC goes to commercial to up the drama. Which it would have done if there was any drama to begin with.

Commercial break #8: Can we get to the Hoff's cameo already?

10:25: Mike's mom almost shot him. Almost. Dammit!

10:28: Let me fill you in on the history of KITT while we evade the gun-wielding baddies, Mike. Mike learns that Knight Rider is his dad. Thank God, its the FBI. Maybe KITT will ask her if she's gay.

10:30: Get in the car, people. KITT is getting hacked. So much for his awesomeness.

10:31: Damn. Mike's mom got popped. She was the toughest of this group...and...she dies. So much for this being a death-free A-Team affair.

10:33: Always talking before an execution. Is it curtains for Mike? No. There's a half-hour left.

Commercial break #8: KITT SYNC commercial...and it's actually amusing. KITT asks blond babe, "Would you like to ride in me? I have keyless entry."

10:37: Sydney Portier's daughter won't win an Emmy either. Big surprise, they get away. Mike doesn't kill his mother's killers. Ridiculous.

10:38: KITT blower whine = cool. Chasing the evil GMC Denali.

10:39: No computer, no bulletproof KITT. Mind that automatic fire there, Mike.

10:41: Computer on. Attack mode KITT is Denali-proof. Denali looks like the smart that 5th Gear crashed. Look, Graiman wore his seat belt. He's OK.

10:45: Funeral time. Tie up loose ends. Set up the weekly series that should not, under any circumstances, happen.

10:46: Recovered hard drives. Blah blah blah. Here comes the "We want you to drive" line that was shown in all the commercials.

10:47: "The world is insane." No, me sitting through 2 hours of this is insane.

10:49: At the funeral. This is taking forever...especially for a character who was on screen for like 10 minutes. We're supposed to care?

10:48: THE HOFF. Get ready for the charisma. We go to break.

Final commercial break: Last SYNC commercial. The Knight Rider theme music is still cool, at least.

10:53: The Hoff approaches. Reveals his identity to Mike. "I'm your father." Touchy-feely crap. Tells Mike, "she loved you." Thank you, Captain Obvious. Hoff: "One man can make a difference."

10:55: "Am I gonna see you again?" Hoff: "I hope so." Unsaid: "I could use the work. Pray for a weekly gig, kid."

10:57: Mike gets his new mission. Coming next Fall on NBC. FBI agents missing in Prague. My friend: "KITT can drive to Prague?"

10:58: Theme music. More browbeating hints that a series is coming. Battle Mode KITT exits taxiing C-130 (or other such transport plane).

Epilogue: Gratuitous Hoff/America's Got Talent promo. The Hoff is unstoppable.

I'm out. Thanks for suffering with me reading!

P.S.

The answers to the NBC Sweepstakes questions are:
  • Purple
  • Gasoline
  • Michael Knight
  • Knight Industries Three Thousand